I I love the internet and it loves me back. Our bond is pure and holy. Celebrating our 15th anniversary after meeting on my old PC in Canberra in 2006 that I discovered Club Penguin and Habbo Hotel. Here are 10 things I’ve found that have affected my life. I hope it enriches you too.
I understand Britons take the masochistic delight of martyrdom in queuing for hours to glimpse the hooded corpse of a woman who didn’t pay her fair share of taxes, but there must be a more effective way to mourn “the chief parasite in her foolish hat” (as Christopher Eccleston, the modern-day physician called it most dreamy). For some reason, the robotic arm-mounted coffin reminds me of a simulated rollercoaster at Questacon in Canberra, circa 2007. I like to think that even after I’ve kicked the bucket, the Queen might have one last thrill in her fancy box.
2. Guided Meditation
The perfect guided meditation to show the kind of life you’re fresh, dewy, sparkling, rich (but in a delicious way) and plentiful enough to use up salad leaves before they rot and grow in the fridge.
3. Domino Man
Throughout this entire video, I could feel the mirror neurons sparkling as I experienced exactly the same feelings as the waxed man in the left frame. I’ve never felt so emotionally in tune with another person before. I think I like.
4. James Gandolfini on Sesame Street
This is less than a funny video (SUE ME!!!!) and a much more important informative watch. During a severe heat wave in Melbourne in 2015, I was staying at my ex-girlfriend’s house waiting for the semester to start. It was a great cottage in Carlton – no insulation or air conditioning.
Every day a quiet, quiet housemate and I would sit in the kitchen, the only shady spot in the house, take turns cooling ourselves off with a rotating list of frozen vegetables. From time to time we would brave the scorching heat to smoke quickly. What made us sane was an endless stream of old Sesame Street episodes, including the one featuring Zoe and James Gandolfini, which radiates the softness and grandeur of an IKEA Djingelskog bear.
5. Jake Novak: Part 1
Lin-Manuel Miranda has a lot to answer for (lip bite; renaissance of Disney kid energy; his weird, tense vocals on the original Hamilton recording). This video of Jake Novak is a Glee Fever/Camp Rock dream shot on an expensive camera with an audio backing track. It’s completely soulless but full of morbid rhymes. It’s pure hustle, real gravel.
I’ve never seen anyone on screen as annoying as Novak, the man whose artificial shyness is rightfully affected by it. He can speak quickly and can sing agreeably in a red embroidered coat, but he doesn’t quite know what to do with any of these specific skills. Two decades ago, he would have been sitting in the airport terminal. But today, he is relentlessly striving for viral success…
6. Jake Novak: Part Two
…which he kind of got, somehow, with this video. I watch this every time I think I messed up personally or professionally because – no matter what party I bombed or nude I accidentally sent into a group chat – I can proudly say that I never wrote, recorded, filmed or edited a rap song about gun violence.
Novak was totally toasted and toasted for this video, but according to his account(?) he never deleted it even after it was rated with a comment that says “Woke up in 2013?”. Part of me hopes that Novak is actually a lead comedian who plays all of us. But another part of me knows he’s honest. Either way, this video is Mori’s keepsake, a powerful reminder that death (literally and internet-based) comes to all of us.
7. All gas without brake
All Gas No Brakes are like Louis Theroux’s cousin to the internet’s pimples. Andrew Callaghan manages to infiltrate exotic communities (Flat Earthers, Bigfoot hunters, SneakerCon) and loan ordinary people to share their thoughts, without judgment. This is one of his first and greatest expeditions, to the Talladega High Speedway.
He opens to the crowd’s cry, “Show me your eye!” — and unrelenting all along his super five-minute drive from the early 1920s, enjoying the blazing speed of cars and the endless stream of cheap beer. He’s a retarded Woodstock, baby, and this awkward East Coast embankment in a suit is perfectly positioned to capture her glory.
8. Male Sigma
The Alpha/beta/gamma/sigma male ratings are just astrology for guys who can’t get root. The defining traits of a male Sigma (or “lone wolf”) tend to be aloof, hot, masculine, popular, and sexually competent, while also looking to be uninterested in any of these things. He is an outsider, someone who has managed to evade and resist the cultural conditioning that plagues his alpha, beta, and gamma combinations.
I hope by clicking on this video, your algorithm will start feeding you more and more male sigma content because it is an absolute rabbit hole that I like to dive into at least once every two weeks. This is a classic sigma male video, in that it’s a strange mix of stock footage, an automated voice reading a text, and buffered music: an incredibly pure and mysterious click taste. Like a Sigma man, I have an “insatiable intellectual curiosity” and am so grateful that the Internet is free.
9. Gibi ASMR
Using an algorithm on YouTube is like having a forensic pathologist look at the stomach of a dead body to determine the cause of death. My digital land consists of 70% ASMR (I long for peace). Gibi ASMR is one such goat, having broadcast regularly for six years and managing to take advantage of the ever-changing landscape of whispering strolls, personal attention to POVs and object-tapping. It’s also one of the funniest ASMRtists, and this Sims-themed role-playing game is one of the most ridiculous and hilarious videos I’ve come across in pursuit of a good night’s sleep.
10. Dispatch from Belfast
I am an incredibly naive person. I was once convinced that the penis has a curved shaft of small interlocking bones within it like a spine and that when it becomes erect, all of these bones line up in one straight shaft.
Anyway, when I first saw this video, I honestly thought it was sending a British reporter from Belfast until I found the original footage and the voiceover. This spelling is very elaborate and much funnier if you suspend your disbelief and let it be real. I’ve apparently incorporated the Ulster-Scots phrase “Ah, gee! into everyday parlance, I highly recommend that you do the same.”