The Insect: Every Planet as Gatorade Flavor

From September 10 to October 2, six planets were in retrograde motion and the effects were felt by many. While Mercury tends to take the most credit for wreaking havoc in the universe, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and Pluto have also been retrograde, away from the nearly month-long period of turmoil this fall.

When life seems to constantly challenge my patience, I check to see if any of the planets are in retrograde, and I usually look at Mercury first. I also use the phrase “Mercury in Gatorade” jokingly, for the simple reason that it is funny and plays into the skepticism of those who find astrology absurd.

we are in who – which A point of class when our brains feel like they are actively melting. Therefore, this edition of the “Pest” is supposed to be easy on the dome. Without further ado, I give you: both planets as a Gatorade flavor.


Any of the blue flavors. Whether it’s Cool Blue, Glacier Freeze, Blue Cherry, or Icy Charge, there’s an element of chaos in the number of different blue Gatorades out there. Mercury shares this element of chaos. In the same way, I would argue that blue Gatorades are first-class flavors, Mercury – specifically Mercury in retrograde – always brings chaos but is usually for a purpose for which we are grateful later.


Ice cherry. Venus is the planet of love and ice cherry is a beloved flavor. I have never met anyone who rejected him because he is universally loved. It’s a classic flavor with a touch of white instead of the red of a fire truck.

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Fruit punch. He used to be a fan favorite and a sight for sore eyes when he was a kid. However, between climate change and civil unrest related to social justice, the Earth is in decline. They can certainly be revived, but with new flavors emerging all the time, they are no longer at the top of their game.


orange. This is probably a very easy choice, but it’s a tried and true flavor. Seeing Mars among the stars at random points throughout the year is just as refreshing as the Orange Gatorade. No, it may not be the most popular option for Gatorade but it’s a dependable flavor that, if delivered to you on a hot day, won’t be turned down.


lemon. The original flavor of Gatorade, the energy of this flavor is the first and Jupiter is the biggest planet just working. Similar to orange, lemon-lime isn’t always the flavor that people grab hold of. However, just as Jupiter always catches your eye when looking at a photo of the solar system, you can always find a Lemon-Lime Gatorade in the store.


Berry. It’s simple, it’s elegant, it’s a gorgeous pink and nothing could go better with an elegant Saturn. Sure, the Strawberry Kiwi and Strawberry Lemonade flavors are good, but just like Saturn, Berry never misses out.


green apple As much as we’d like to pass on hurtful jokes when we talk about this planet, we’re not evolved from society, and thus endow Uranus with a cursed energy. I got the Green Apple Gatorade once and it tastes like a Jolly Rancher’s enlarged green apple. Gatorade’s flavor, like jokes, must find itself unpretentiously in the hands of middle schoolers.


lime cucumber; Say what you want, but this is one of the most underappreciated Gatorade flavors ever. Yes, it’s a little weird, but cucumber and lemon are a surprisingly comforting combination and hit the spot when you’re craving something light and refreshing. With a temperature of -373 degrees Neptune, the planet and Gatorade flavor are great as an option.

Pluto (Yeah, I count it)

The discontinued clean Gatorade, Ice Punch. Not to repeat the anti-Pluto jokes when NASA decided it was no longer a planet, but very appropriate. Ice Punch was great while it lasted, but arguably inspired the newer and popular Propel Water. Good things came from his hiatus and good things came from Pluto’s role in rebirth and renewal in astrology.

The Pest is a satirical column and does not reflect The Post’s views.

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